The Magic Cone Saves Pissy Women Everywhere

Now you can say it loud and say it proud…”I.P. FREELY WITH THE MAGIC CONE!”

Yeah I said it. I don’t understand why I can’t get a job coming up withinventions like this, but someone out there does.

“Now you can pee all you can pee without copping a squat. Just take the flat cardboard cone and press down until it pops open, then press it over your poon and you’ll be able to pee standing up. Perfect for camping, festivals, bus and plane bathrooms. One pack contains 3 biodegradable cones.”

NOW AVAILABLE FOR $5.95 at the Bust Boobtique

Tags: bust boobtique, cone, inventions, magic cone, pee, pee freely

Man “Meats” Wall

Kansas City Royals center fielder Tommy Murphy hits the wall while chasing a double hit by Cleveland Indians’ Carlos Rivero during a spring training game Tuesday.

Charlie Riedel – Associated Press. Photo retrieved March 8, 2009 from MSN.

Barbie Comes With A “Tramp Stamp”

Now you can get your daughter’s a classic Barbie doll collectible…complete with tattoo’s…drugs sold separately.

Totally Stylin’ Tattoos Barbie made by Mattell, the manufacturers of the Barbie Brand since 1959, has obviously decided to go with the times by making a Barie that you can stick tattoo’s on…whereever you want. If the kids don’t have fun with this doll, I’m sure the perverts will.

What’s next, Totally Piercing Barbie, Hooker Barbie or Alcoholic Barbie?

Tags: Babrie, dolls, Mattell, tattoos

Why Women Are Crabby

• We started to ‘bud’ in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
• Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner) Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankiness, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn’t even know we had.
• Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn’t end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
• Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn’t spend the entire day leaning over Brother John Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary’s Baby.
• Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee’d our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
• Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, ‘Please stop screaming, Mrs. “Hearmeroar” . Calm down and push. ‘Just one more good push’ (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole..
• After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that ‘cute’ wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
• Then come their ‘Teen Years.’ Need I say more?
• When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40’s – while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
• So we progress into the grand finale: ‘The Menopause,’ the Grandmother of all womanhood. It’s either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned ‘buds’ or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life’s cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks..

So, while I love being a woman, ‘Womanhood’ would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the ‘weaker sex?’ Yeah right. Bite me.

Married Man

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.  After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him  an offer.  ”How would you like it if you didn’t see me for a couple of days?”

The husband couldn’t believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, ”That would suit me just fine!!”  Monday went by, and the man didn’t see his wife.  Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he  still didn’t see her.  Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Tags: Funny, jokes, Married Man

Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that
he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the wife’s attention So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in….

P
E
N
I
S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Is a Dual Screened Laptop a Great Idea?

December 19, 2008 (Computerworld) Lenovo Group Ltd. today announced the release of a ThinkPad laptop that takes the “desktop replacement” category of notebook PCs to a new level.

The ThinkPad W700ds appears to be the first laptop ever to sport two LCD screens — a 17-in. primary and a 10.6-in. secondary screen.

The souped-up “mobile workstation,” as Lenovo calls it, also comes with customers’ choice of quad-core Intel Core 2 processors and Nvidia Quadro mobile graphics CPU with as many as 128 cores. It also comes with as much as 8GB of DDR3 laptop memory and a pair of hard drive/solid-state drive bays for up to 960GB of storage.

It’s all in an 11-lb. brick — five times the weight of netbooks, such as the Asus Eee 701, and at least double the weight of typical laptops — that is encased in the ThinkPad’s trademark ebony exterior.

“This is the nitro-burning drag racer of ThinkPads,” said Craig Merrigan, vice president of global consumer marketing at Lenovo, in a briefing this week.

The W700ds is expected to be available in January starting at $3,600.

What the Jorge? would a dual screened laptop do to help anything? I used a dual screened computer when I was working as a Receptionist because the phone system was computer operated, which is a legit excuse to use dual screens. What other professions is there that could effectively use dual screens? Especially something as potable as a laptop.

Pampering Your Pets for Christmas

I’m not personally one to pamper my dogs and get them things for Christmas, because face it, they don’t know it’s Christmas! If you got them treats and toys any day of the week, they will be happy either way. However, if you have ridiculously overly-sensitive pets like I know my medium sized mutt is, I am going to look like I have nothing better to do for Christmas but to spend time wrapping a pet supplies for my pampered pooch.

For instance, a dog gift basket. It sounds ridiculous, I know but some people get this stuff for their dogs for Christmas:

Mystery Doggy Bag, Medium/Large Dog (DCHD2)

All Mystery Bags are made of assorted premium toys and treats. Regular Jeffers Price $46.47, Thanksgiving Price $24.95. While Supplies Last. Only 150 Available.

Your Price : $24.95

A Playstation 3 Super Computer

Physics Professor Gaurav Khanna along with Principal Investigator Chris Poulin from UMass Dartmouth assembled a public guide to putting together a supercomputer with a well known game system.

Khanna took 8 donated Playstation 3’s and made a super computer that he used to solve “complex equations designed to predict the properties of gravitational waves generated by the black holes located at the center of the galaxies.”

A who’s a what-sie?

Want to try to make a PS3 super computer of your own using the guide? Try the PlayStation 3 Buying Guide for great deals.

Information found at: PhysOrg.com

Crugg-ly Shoes

As if those warm and comfy UGG boots weren’t ugly enough, they weren’t as ugly as Crocs. Yet Crocs were just as comfy. I guess you can’t have comfort and fashion at the same time anymore.

You can get the best of both worlds and have Cruggs….a combination of Ugg’s and Croc’s.

It’s like if Clay Aiken and Michael Jackson made a baby, it would not look right, but people will still love it.

Now all the celebrity socialites in LA can wear these things in the 100 degree LA heat, and look fugly.

Photo from: On Common Ground

Tags: boots, Crocs, Cruggs, shoes, UGGs

Man Throws Shoes At Bush

No it’s not a new video game for the Wii.

At a press conference in Baghdad with Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, President Bush had to play duck when an Iraqi journalist showed Bush how he felt about his policies by throwing both of his shoes at his head.

“This is a farewell kiss!” the man yelled in Arabic before throwing the shoes. This is most likely Bush’s final visit as president to Iraq and what a goodbye present did he get!

Tags: Baghdad, George W. Bush, Iraq, politics, press conferance, videos

Barack Obama Is An Economic Stimulus All His Own

T-shirts, mugs, posters, stationary, dog shirts, and even baby bibs…these are just some of the memorabilia for sale that has president elect Barack Obama’s image on them.

It is reported by the Washington Post that Barack Obama merchandise is alive and kicking in an economy that is supposedly going down the drain and in the dumps. In most cases, the business of presidential candidate merchandise completely dies down after the election is over. Not for Obama, and it shouldn’t be surprising after all this man is walking history! And if you are living under a rock, it’s because he will be the first African-American president.

Obama is a “living, breathing stimulus package for a modest-size group of entrepreneurs who are slapping Obama’s image on any surface it’ll stick to.” David Segal of the Washington Post writes.

CafePress.com, is a very popular website where anyone with access to the internet, can start their own online store just by uploading an image and that image can be reproduced on blank t-shirts, mugs, posters, etc. Statistically, on CafePress.com, there are approximately 96.000 different styles of Obama merchandise for sale.

Before Obama, the most popular selling presidential merchandise was “Anti-Bush” memorabilia.

Here’s a few things that you can “Obama-fy” yourself with:

Sneakers from SneakerObsession.com

Action Figurine from HBCU Kidz

And the Obama souvenir to end all Obama souvenirs:

Obama Flip-Flops?

Should we be worried that we are praising a president so much that hasn’t done anything in office yet, or be glad that just him being alive is stimulating the economy?

Tags: barack obama, exonomy, memorabilia, politics, president, president elect, presidential election, souvinears, stimulus

Funny Christmas Shirts

There are a ton of funny t shirts out there. They always look good in a photo opp, celebrities wear them to make a statement when paparazzi follow them for a photo, it tells the world what you have to say, without ever really saying it…

With the Holiday season coming up, here are a few humerous Holiday shirts to brighten up the yultide season:

Weight Loss Phone Counseling

The University of Florida recently did a research and found results that show that “Telephone counseling may be just as successful as face-to-face counseling in helping people maintain weight loss”

This sounds a lot easier than trying the latest and greatest diet pills such as Ephedrasil Hardcore, which the name itself doesn’t make it sound so fun either.

234 obese women between the ages of 50 and 75 years old whom lived in rural areas in northern Florida were studied. They finished a 6 month weight loss program and the women lost an average of 22 pounds.

One year later some of the women were counseled over the phone and the rest were counseled face to face. Results showed that the women counseled over the phone regained less than 2.5 pounds average weight. The women who were counseled in person regained an average of 8 pounds.