What The Jorge?

Pickout your birth date and see what you are…

January 01 - 09 ~  Ass
January 10 - 24 ~Slug
January 25 - 31 ~Cockroach

February 01 - 05 ~  Parasite
February 06 - 14 ~Bullfrog
February 15 - 21 ~Skunk
February 22 - 28 ~  Snake

March 01 - 12 ~   Ape
March 13 - 15 ~ Cockroach
March 16 - 23 ~  Slug
March 24 - 31 ~  Parasite

April 01 - 03 ~     Ass
April 04 - 14 ~  Snake
April 15 - 26 ~  Slug
April 27 - 30 ~  Skunk

May 01 - 13 ~  Slug
May 14 - 21 ~  Bullfrog
May 22 - 31 ~ Cockroach

June 01 - 03 ~   Slug
June 04 - 14 ~   Skunk
June 15 - 20 ~   Ass
June 21 - 24 ~   Ape
June 25 - 30 ~   Parasite

July 01 - 09 ~   Slug
July 10 - 15 ~   Ass
July 16 - 26 ~   Bullfrog
July 27 - 31 ~   Parasite

August 01 - 15 ~   Ape
August 16 - 25 ~ Slug
August 26 - 31 ~  Skunk

September 01 - 14 ~   Bullfrog
September 15 - 27 ~   Parasite
September 28 - 30 ~   Ass

October 01 - 15  ~ Ape
October 16 - 27 ~   Skunk
October 28 - 31 ~   Snake

November 01 - 16  ~Cockroach
November 17 - 30  ~Parasite

December 01 - 16  ~   Ass
December 17 - 25  ~ Ape
December 26 - 31  ~ Bullfrog

If you are an Ass :  A very loyal and sweet person.  Your loyalty can never be doubted.  You are quite honest and sincere when it comes to your attitude towards working.  You are a very simple person, indeed.  Absolutely hassle free, humble, and down-to-earth!!  That explains the reason why your friends cling on to you! You have a good taste for clothes.  If your wardrobe is not updated with what is trendy, you sure are depressed.  Popular and easy-going.  You have a little group of dignified friends, a! ll of them being quality-personified.

If you are a Slug :  Always up to some sort of a mischief!  The mischievous gleam in your eyes is what makes you so cute and attractive to everyone.  You are an extremely fun-to-be-with kind of person.  No wonder people seek your company and look forward to include you for all get-together’s.  However, you are sensitive which is a drawback.  People need to select their words while talking to you.  If someone tries to fiddle around and play with words while dealing with you, it is enough to invite your wrath.  God bless the person then!

If you are a Cockroach :  Quite contradictory to your name, you are a peace loving person.  You best try to avoid a situation wherein you are required to fight.  An outdoor person, you dislike sitting at one place for a long duration.  You are a born leader, and have it in you how to tactfully derive work from people.  You love being loved and when you receive your share of limelight from someone, you are all theirs!!!!  Well, well…  Hence some people could even take an advantage, flatter you to the maximum and get their work done.  So be careful…..

If you are a Parasite :  An extremely lovable, adorable person, sometimes shy, with a passion for quick wit.  At times, you prefer quietness.  You love exploring various things and going into depth of each thing.  Under normal circumstances you’re cool but when given a reason to, you are like a volcano waiting to erupt. You’re a fashion bird.  People look forward to you as an icon associated with fashion.  Basically, you mingle along freely but don’t like talking much to strangers. People feel very easy in your company.  You observe care in choosing your friends.

If you are a Skunk :  You are near to perfect and nice at heart.  The examples of your kindness are always circulated in groups of people.  You, too, love peace. You wouldn’t like to retaliate even to a person who is in the wrong.  You are loved due to this.  You do not wish to talk behind one’s back.  People love the way you always treat them.  You can give, give, and give love, and the best part is that you do not expect it back in return.  You are generous enough.  Seeing things in a practical light is what remains the best trait of you guys.

If you are a   Bullfrog:    You symbolize a very happy-go-lucky approach in life.  Whatever the surroundings may be, grim or cheerful, you remain unaffected.  In fact, you spread cheer wherever you go.  You are the leader of your group of friends and good at consoling people in their times of need.  You dislike hypocrisy and tend to shirk away from hypocrites.  ! They can never be in your good books, no matter what.  You are very methodical and organized in your work.  No amount of mess, hence, can ever encompass you.  Beware, it is easy for you to fall in love….

If you are a Snake :  You are mysterious.  You are someone who can handle pressure with ease, and can handle any atmosphere without going berserk.  You can be mean at times, and love to gossip with your selected group.  Very prim and proper.  You like all situations and things to be in the way you desire, which, sometimes is not possible.  As a result, yo u may lose out in some relationships.  But otherwise, you love to help people out from difficult and tight spots when they really need you.

If  you are an Ape :  Very impatient and hyper!!!  You want things to be done as quick as possible.  At heart, you are quite simple and love if you are the center of attraction.  That way, you people are unique.  You would like to keep yourself safe from all the angles.  Shall your name be dragged or featured in any sort of a controversy, you then go all panicky.  Therefore, you take your precautions from the very beginning.  When you foresee anything wrong, your sixth sense is what saves you from falling in traps.  Quite a money minded bunch you people are!!

These following excerpts are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

This is too funny for words! For more fun you can get the book from Amazon.

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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitt’in me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh…. I was gett’in laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.  Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, ‘ Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.  You’ll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.’

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ‘ You’re bullshittin’ me!

The social worker said, ‘ Yeah, well . You started it.’

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What’s a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q What’s the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What’s the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how  Australian’s practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between ‘ooooooh’and ‘aaaaaaah’?

A. A bout three inches.

Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It’s not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don’t have balls to scratch!