What The Jorge?A Little Entertainment Junk For Your Trunk

1. Men are like Laxatives ….They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas …. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather …. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders…. You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars …. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials …. You can’t believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores … Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like Government Bonds … They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara …. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn …. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms …. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps …. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ….All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

I know of a few creative, snazzy promotional items for companies and products out there, but this one takes the cake…

PETA will be all over these girls like white on rice after watching this video:

My dog didn’t come near me for three days after I pushed him into a pond at the dog park, I cannot even imagine what this poor pooch is thinking!

The Base Jumping Dog

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, ‘ Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.  You’ll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.’

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ‘ You’re bullshittin’ me!

The social worker said, ‘ Yeah, well . You started it.’

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What’s a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q What’s the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What’s the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how  Australian’s practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between ‘ooooooh’and ‘aaaaaaah’?

A. A bout three inches.

Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It’s not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don’t have balls to scratch!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, ‘Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?’

”Reading a book,’ she replies, (thinking, ‘Isn’t that obvious?’)

‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her.

‘I’m sorry,officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading’

”Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.  I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’

‘For reading a book,’ she replies,

‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her again,

‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading’

”Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.  I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’

‘If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with Sexual assault,’ says the woman.

‘But I haven’t even touched you,’ says the game warden.

‘That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.’

‘Have a nice day ma’am,’ and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.

The 8th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class:

“Which human body part increases to seven times its normal size when stimulated?”

No one answered until Little Mary stood up, angry, and said, “You should not be asking 8th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

With a sneer on her face, Little Mary then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again: “Which body part increases to seven times its normal size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class: “Anybody have an answer?”

Finally, Kevin stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases seven times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Kevin.”

Then she turned to Little Mary and continued: “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

“You have a dirty mind.
“You didn’t read your homework.
“And one day, you are going to be VERY, VERY DISAPPOINTED!”

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is it true theys suin’ them cigarette companies fer causin’ people to git cancer?”

“Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.

“And now someone is suin’ them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin’ their arteries with all them burgers an’ fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?”

“Sure is, Bubba.”

“And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?”

“Yep.”

“And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn’t read?”

“That’s right,” said the lawyer.”

“But why are you asking?”

“Well, I was thinkin…what I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all those ugle women I slept with?”

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny…..

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be ‘Do you have a car that runs?’

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE….7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man,

“Before I let you in, I need you to  tell me how your day was going when you died.”

“No problem,” the man said. “I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn’t die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.”

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced,

“OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ,” and let him in.

A few seconds later Donald Trump arrived at the gates.. “Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.”

Trump said, “No problem. But you’re not going to believe this I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn’t die right away. As I’m laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.”

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. ‘I could get used to this new policy,’ he thinks to himself. ‘Very well,’ the Angel announces. ‘Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ,’ and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate.

The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel’s head.

Finally he says, ‘Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.’

Clinton says, ‘OK, picture this. I’m naked, inside a refrigerator….

Edge Designs is an all-women run company that designs interior office space. They had a recent opportunity to do an office project in NYC.

The client allowed the women of this Company a free hand in all design aspects. The client was a company that was also run by all women executives.

The result…well…we all know that men never talk, never look at each other…. And never laugh much in the restroom….The men’s restroom is a serious and quiet place…but now…with the addition of one mural on the wall……lets just say the men’s Restroom is a place of laughter and smiles.

And they say women don’t have a sense of humour.

Some poor, bored soul actually took the time to make a website dedicated to pasting Sarah Jessica Parker photos next to horse pictures.

I’m not sure if I should say “Poor Sarah Jessica Parker?” or “Poor horse”. This might urge a little kid to want a horse, or a stupid person to send SJP a lifetime supply of horse supplies.

I guess you could be the judge of that.

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:

“This bull mated 50 times last year”

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs…..Smiled and said, “He mated 50 times last year.”

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

”This Bull Mated 150 Times Last Year”

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, “WOW - That’s more than twice a week! ……..You could learn a lot from him.”

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

“THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR”

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, “That’s once a day…You could REALLY learn something from this one.”

I looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow”