What The Jorge?A Little Entertainment Junk For Your Trunk

So banks are going down the tubes left and right these days because they are being bought out the government? Well, we are all in trouble if that’s the case! All the media reporting can get scary to listen to, not knowing if our economy is going to get worse or not, but this news story might lift your spirits:

Be sure to keep an eye out for the guys behind the reporter.

It’s a Smiley Saturday!

Women’s Love Poem

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to ‘how big is my behind?’
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Mens Love Poem

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting.
This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.

These following excerpts are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

This is too funny for words! For more fun you can get the book from Amazon.

Shop through your Sunshine Rewards account for special coupons and discounts.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitt’in me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh…. I was gett’in laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.  Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

1. Men are like Laxatives ….They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas …. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather …. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders…. You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars …. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials …. You can’t believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores … Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like Government Bonds … They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara …. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn …. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms …. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps …. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ….All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

I know of a few creative, snazzy promotional items for companies and products out there, but this one takes the cake…

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, ‘ Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.  You’ll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.’

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ‘ You’re bullshittin’ me!

The social worker said, ‘ Yeah, well . You started it.’

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What’s a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q What’s the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What’s the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how  Australian’s practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between ‘ooooooh’and ‘aaaaaaah’?

A. A bout three inches.

Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It’s not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don’t have balls to scratch!

Believe it or not.
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr . in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;

No wonder men always want to be inside women!

Why?

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, ‘Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?’

”Reading a book,’ she replies, (thinking, ‘Isn’t that obvious?’)

‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her.

‘I’m sorry,officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading’

”Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.  I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’

‘For reading a book,’ she replies,

‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her again,

‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading’

”Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.  I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’

‘If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with Sexual assault,’ says the woman.

‘But I haven’t even touched you,’ says the game warden.

‘That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.’

‘Have a nice day ma’am,’ and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.

The 8th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class:

“Which human body part increases to seven times its normal size when stimulated?”

No one answered until Little Mary stood up, angry, and said, “You should not be asking 8th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

With a sneer on her face, Little Mary then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again: “Which body part increases to seven times its normal size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class: “Anybody have an answer?”

Finally, Kevin stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases seven times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Kevin.”

Then she turned to Little Mary and continued: “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

“You have a dirty mind.
“You didn’t read your homework.
“And one day, you are going to be VERY, VERY DISAPPOINTED!”

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is it true theys suin’ them cigarette companies fer causin’ people to git cancer?”

“Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.

“And now someone is suin’ them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin’ their arteries with all them burgers an’ fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?”

“Sure is, Bubba.”

“And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?”

“Yep.”

“And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn’t read?”

“That’s right,” said the lawyer.”

“But why are you asking?”

“Well, I was thinkin…what I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all those ugle women I slept with?”

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny…..

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be ‘Do you have a car that runs?’

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE….7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man,

“Before I let you in, I need you to  tell me how your day was going when you died.”

“No problem,” the man said. “I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn’t die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.”

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced,

“OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ,” and let him in.

A few seconds later Donald Trump arrived at the gates.. “Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.”

Trump said, “No problem. But you’re not going to believe this I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn’t die right away. As I’m laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.”

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. ‘I could get used to this new policy,’ he thinks to himself. ‘Very well,’ the Angel announces. ‘Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ,’ and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate.

The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel’s head.

Finally he says, ‘Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.’

Clinton says, ‘OK, picture this. I’m naked, inside a refrigerator….