What The Jorge?A Little Entertainment Junk For Your Trunk

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back ..same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said “Buy one-get one free.” “They’re already
buy-one-get-one-free,” she said, “So I guess they’re both free” She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, “Look at that dead bird!” Someone looked Up at the sky and said, “Where?”

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, “Does the sun rise in the North?” When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, “Oh I don’t keep up with all that stuff.”

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.” He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?” Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific.”

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. “Now,” she asked me, “Has your plane arrived yet?”

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.”

They walk among us, and they reproduce, and worst of all ………..

THEY VOTE

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to ‘Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin’.

‘What?’ said the puzzled groom. ‘How can that be if you’ve been married ten times.?’

‘Well, husband#1 was a Wine of the Month Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

‘Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function;
but he said he’d look into it and get back with me.

‘Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he
just couldn’t get the system up.

‘Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

‘Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

‘Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

‘Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

‘Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

‘Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

‘Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was…….. God I miss him.

‘But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited’.

‘Wonderful’, said the husband, ‘but why?

‘You’re with the ‘GOVERNMENT’…This time I KNOW I’M gonna get SCREWED.’

Another reason to NOT hire a blonde to do your corporate performance management plan.

A Blonde goes over to her friend’s house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.

Her friend asks: ‘Why are you wearing a Thank GOD It’s Friday tee-shirt on Monday?’

‘Oh, crap!’ the blonde says. ‘I didn’t realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant ‘Tits Go In Front.’

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A medicare advantage study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,

“Ribbit…9 Iron.”

The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again, he hears,

“Ribbit…9 Iron.”

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron from one of his golf bags. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog,

“Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?” The frog replies,

“Ribbit…Lucky frog.”

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

“What do you think frog?” the man asks.

“Ribbit… 3 wood.’”

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,

“OK where to next?” The frog replies,

“Ribbit…Las Vegas “

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,

“OK frog, now what?” The frog says,

“Ribbit…Roulette.”

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,

“What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies,

“Ribbit $3000…black 6.”

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says,

“Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.” The frog replies,

“Ribbit…KissMe.”

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

“And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.”

Got me a new truck! I bought a new FORD F350 DUAL TURBO DIESEL, and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn’t get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

“Nelson,” the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?”

“Willie!” he continued, and “On The Road Again” came from the speakers.

Then he said, “Ray Charles!”, and in an instant “Georgia On My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I’d say, “Beethoven,” I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said, “Beatles,” I’d get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

I yelled, “Ass Holes!”

Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy On Scotch.

I LOVE THIS TRUCK!

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked, while a beautiful, big-breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis. They were told that anyone whose bell rang when the nude model danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell…

Then all the other bells started to ring.

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

and finally…

NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING AT YOURSELF.

-In the 1400’s a law was set forth in  England  that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have ‘the rule of thumb’

-Many years ago in  Scotland  , a new game was invented. It was ruled ‘Gentlemen Only.. Ladies Forbidden’…
and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

-The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

-Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S . Treasury.

-Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

-Coca-Cola was originally green.

-It is impossible to lick your elbow.

-The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

-The percentage of  Africa  that is wilderness: 28%

-The percentage of  North America  that is wilderness: 38%

-The cost of raising a medium size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400

-The average number of people airborne over the  U.S.  in any given hour: 61,000

-Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

-The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

-The  San Francisco  Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

-Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

• Spades - King David

• Hearts - Charlemagne

• Clubs -Alexander, the Great

• Diamonds - Julius Caesar

-111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

-If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

-Only two people signed the Declaration of  Independence  on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter ‘A’?

A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?

A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father’s Day

-In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

-When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase……… ‘goodnight, sleep tight.’

-It was the accepted practice in  Babylon  4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

-In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them ‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.’ It’s where we get the phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’

-Many years ago in  England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. ‘Wet your whistle’ is the phrase inspired by this practice.

-At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

1. When you are sad — I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue — I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile — I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared — I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried — I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused — I will use little words.

7. When you are sick — Stay the hell away from me until you are well.  Again , I don’t want whatever you have.

8. When you fall — I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath…. I pledge it to the end. “Why?” you may ask;

“Because you are my friend”.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Another funny chain letter that was pretty funny I had to share instead of forward on, I wouldn’t want your hair to fall out and curse six years of bad luck on you. 

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.  He marched straight up to the counter and said, ‘Hi, You know I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.’

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is Excellent.  We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.  You’ll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.  The salary is $200,000 a year.”

The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You’re BS in’ me!”

The social  worker said, “Yeah, well … You started it.”

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ‘What is Politics?’ Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.’

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.’ The father says, ‘good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’ The little boy replies, ‘The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poop.

A man was in a long line at Walmart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
 
She asked, ‘What size condoms?’
 
The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.
 
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, ‘One box of large condoms, Register 5.’
 
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.
 
When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
 
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, ‘One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.’
 
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.
 
When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.
 
She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said…
  

‘Cleanup, Register 5′